Oh my!  Things about to get durrty up in here!

So, you bought this book for the…ahem…articles?  Skip Chapters 1-7 and get right to the good stuff.  Here’s what you’ve been waiting for and Mr. Grey is about to give it to you, or at least give it to Ana.

This is the part in the book where if this was good fiction, Ana would be torn between her obsession with Mr. Grey and clinging to her pureness.  BUT…this has been labeled “Mommy Porn” so throw that plot line out the window.  Ana says take it!  Take me!  Take me to the bedroom!  And just take it!

And Mr. Grey takes it!

“Oh Ana, what I could do to you…You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.”

“He’s so seductive. He takes my breath away.”

But then Mr. Grey asks Ana to show him how she pleasures herself!  Huh? Wha? (Record Scratch)

She doesn’t know what he means.  She’s never done that before.  Yeah, right, she’s 22!  Oh wait, Mr. Grey…didn’t you learn anything a few chapters back?  Ana knows crap about DIY!

So, he announces what he’s going to do to her and he’s going to do it HARD!  And what does she do?  She cries out like a pirate.  No joke!

“Aargh!”

Well, E.L. James got one thing right.  It only took a page and half for him to finish (about half a minute of reading material). No worries, he didn’t roll over and go to sleep.  Another page later he’s going again and taking her from behind!

Pages of You’re so sweet, Please, You’re so wet, Please, Groans, Moans, Please, You’re so naughty follow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hurry up already. Are you done back there?  Desperate Housewives is on!

So they finish. Mr. Grey goes and plays the piano.  They have a moment and she thinks Mr. Grey (Christian) has a soft side.  Ana, honey, you are gonna be sore in the morning.

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That’s the end of class, folks. Tomorrow….lessons in oral history….