Well, being New Years Day and all, lots of new laws went into affect today to protect us Americans against ourselves and make this here country a better place for all of us. Let’s just go ahead and pass out the Darwin Awards right now to the law makers and to those who break them, shall we?
1. California passed a trans fat ban. Violators will have to pay a fine of up to $1,000 for cooking with oils, margarine and shortening containing more than half a gram of trans fat per serving. I guess Paula Dean will NOT be moving to Hollywood anytime soon. Next, they’ll be banning clown mascots and making Santa skinny.
2. Same sex marriages are now legal in New Hampshire. I’m still anxious for the Same Sex Divorce Court TV Show. “I’m taking the drapes and the poodle, bitch! I made them drapes with my bare hands!”
3. In Kentucky, people who take advantage of (or get taken advantage of at) Payday Loans are now limited to only 2 loans at one time totaling no more than $500. Somewhere, someone in Kentucky is pissed that Wal~Mart no longer has lay away.
4. A new law in California is aimed at cooling the market for hot catalytic converters — exhaust components stolen from cars and trucks by thieves who are after the valuable metals inside. Scrap dealers and recyclers will be required to keep written records when they buy catalytic converters. However, no need to keep records on all that copper tubing you just bought! That one is still being debated on Capital Hill.
5. Illinois becomes one of at least 18 states where it is illegal to send or receive text messages or e-mail while driving. Illinois is also making it illegal to talk on a cellphone while driving in a highway construction zone or school zone. You mean I can’t update my Facebook status until I cross the Mississippi? Damn it!
Soon, Sexting Offenders will have to register and be forced to live at least 10 miles away from cell phone stores.
6. In Texas, teenagers wanting a salon tan will have to be accompanied to the tanning parlor by an adult. “Pssst, hey kid, come across the border to Mexico. We tan you good, Papé, we tan you real good. “
7. Although bans on smoking in public places are becoming commonplace — now in more than half the states — proponents will see a major symbolic advance in what may be the unlikeliest of places: North Carolina. A leading grower of tobacco and maker of cigarettes, North Carolina will join the states making it illegal to light up inside most restaurants and bars. Excluded are cigar bars, country clubs and places operated by non-profit organizations such as veterans groups. Tar Heel smokers get a New Year’s Day reprieve, though. To avoid confusing late-night revelers, North Carolina’s smoking law won’t take effect until Saturday. In other news, a cloud of cigarette smoke formed over the top of North Carolina today causing the biggest bout of air pollution on the East Coast in the last ten years. Oh yeah, and the lung cancer rate among veterans and line dancers is predicted to sky rocket this year!
8. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed legislation banning the practice of amputating cows’ tails, a practice known as docking which is said to improve the hygiene of cows. John Connor can rest easy, but Ferdinand the Bull better watch out. “I’ll be butt!”
I’m not making this stuff up people! God, I love this country!
