Really?  John and Kate are splitting up?  I had no idea.  Why didn’t anyone tell me?  Why didn’t the news broadcast this everyday?  Why didn’t those magazines at the grocery check out show me pictures of them having affairs and spanking their children?  Why didn’t the tabloids beat their story into our heads week after week?  Why didn’t the trash TV news shows on E make fun of them?  Why???? Joel McHale, why didn’t the Soup tell me about this?  Why has this been such a big secret?  Why, John and Kate?  Why???

Why the HELL do I care?

Maybe now we can get back to our regularly schedule deep dish.  Maybe now this story will die a horrible death and finally fall out of the headlines.  I’m so sick of hearing about John and Kate!  Sick of it!  I didn’t even watch their show.  TLC is already looking for another pregnant couple to take their place.  Shows get canceled, people.  And tomorrow you won’t give a damn about John and Kate.  They’ve had their 15 minutes.  Let’s move on already!

You too, Paris Hilton, get out of the way.  It’s been a while since I’ve heard anything about Brittany so you must be in the way with your BFF.  Somebody needs to take off their panties and sleep with someone already, and film it.  Yeah, film it and put it on YouTube or leak it to the tabloids or something because naked pics of Dustin Lance Black just ain’t doing it for me.  Somebody needs to kill somebody or kiss somebody and please please please make headlines so the news, the reporters, the radio, and everyone else out there will let this freaking John and Kate story DIE already!

Again, why the HELL do I care?????!!!!!!*)&$@#!@%*