End of the Year Thank You!

I just wanted to thank you all for taking the time and trouble to send me
“forwards” over the past 12 months. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet
towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I have to scrub the top
of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their
cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
cologne sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore
and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any money because I gave them to a sick girl who is about
to die in the hospital (for the 258th time) but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your
head at 6:00 p.m. Minneapolis time this evening. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.