Monthly Archives: December 2008
THANK YOU FOR ALL THOSE EMAILS!
End of the Year Thank You!
I just wanted to thank you all for taking the time and trouble to send me
“forwards” over the past 12 months. Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet
towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I have to scrub the top
of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their
cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
cologne sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore
and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any money because I gave them to a sick girl who is about
to die in the hospital (for the 258th time) but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your
head at 6:00 p.m. Minneapolis time this evening. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.
Same Old Lame Signs
The signs of the new year are here…
Christmas Clearance
Colorful Party Favors and Hats
Horns and Blowers
Dick Clark
Champagne…mmmmmm….champagne!
Happy New Year Everyone!! See you next year!
A Song for a Happy New Year!
I don’t really have much to say about the new year; I’m ready to turn the page. I’ve made my resolutions for 2009. But here’s some fun to make you definitely feel a little older…
That’s right kiddies! Check out this list of songs that turned 10 years old this year! If they were kids, they’d be 5th graders!
Deep Throat is Dead?
I turn on the television this morning. No coffee in my system yet so I’m a bit groggy, but the first thing I hear is …”Deep Throat is Dead.”
Huh? Wha?
Linda Lovelace, the most famous porn star from the 70s? Didn’t she die back in 2002 in a car accident? I slept through the rain last night, but have I somehow woke up back in time? Where am I? Who am I?
I check the calendar and it still says 2008. So, I pour a cup of coffee and sit down to learn that the news is talking about someone named Mark Felt. He was 95 and was the secret agent who uncovered the whole Nixon scandal in the 70s.
His code name was Deep Throat.
Oh.
1972 was a busy year for history. Couldn’t he have chosen something else for a code name besides the name of the most popular porno from that century?
So I began to think…what would an agent’s name be today?
The Crocodile Humper?
The Loin King?
The Wadfather?
Throbbin’ Hood?
Sorest Rump?
Charlie’s Anal?
Good-bye Deep Throat!
Remember when…
Remember when it was so hard to get up in the morning. You slept as long as you could before having to go to school. You could barely keep your eyes open over a bowl of cereal. At school the days were so long. You never thought 6th hour would come. The week was also so long. It took forever for Friday to get here, and then the weekend was never long enough. On Saturday, you’d sleep till noon.
Why is it that these days I’m usually awake 2 to 3 minutes before the alarm clock is? I’m ready to start the day after a pot of coffee. Most of the work days fly by in the blink of an eye. Each night, I’m in bed fast asleep by 10pm. Like this week, it’s just flown by and I can’t believe it’s already Thursday. I can’t believe it’s a week from Christmas. I can’t believe it’s almost 2009, and I’m almost 33 years old. Geez….who said time flies when you are having fun? Gosh, I must be having a ton of fun these days because it is indeed flying by.
Christmas Shopping 2008
I’m not a power shopper. I’m not a shopper who gets up at 2am on Black Friday to go camp outside of Wal-Mart with a thermos of hot chocolate and a lawn chair. I’m usually broke and maxed out this time of year with all my shopping done. This year is no different. I’m one of those people who’s in and out of a store in 20 minutes tops, no browsing, no trying on clothes, just get it, pay for it, and go home.
But J and I ventured out today to spend a gift card he’d earned at work. It afforded him a new pair of shoes and two pairs of pants for me. We searched the men’s department for shirts, but had no luck in finding anything that appealed to us. Then, we attempted to go to a mall to go to Cabella’s looking for clothes.
Mistake.
First, we had to park half a mile from the only store we wanted to go to. Any other time, we’d practically end up parking 2 feet from the door. Every store we passed by in the mall had lines and lines of people waiting to check out, droves of people snaked around the registers with strategically placed velvet ropes like cattle on the way to slaughter. Inside Cabella’s, it was no different.
Unfortunately, this store is so damn pricey anyway, and although they had things on sale, the lower priced items were still upwards of 30 and 40 and 50 dollars. I’m sorry. But I’m used to getting at least two shirts for 40 dollars, if not more. I saw several things I liked, but didn’t want to pay those prices. We were going to go into the mall to try some other stores, but the crowds of weary shoppers walking around like night of the living dead, smothering each other to get in line at the Starbucks kiosk, and slow stroller/purse toting daddies in search of their families just drove me over the top.
We had to leave.
Don’t even think I’ll try again next weekend! HA!
So it was at least nice to see people out spending money like they got it. With sales and price-cuts and all, I’m not sure how the businesses are actually doing, but they were indeed packed.
But it brings me back to one question…where in the hell is a good place to get nice quality and affordable men’s clothes? Anyone? Any0ne?
You Can’t Top The Big Wheel Memory…look at it!
I love the Lexus commercials playing right now where children are talking to their grown up selves about their favorite Christmas gift….a pony, an Atari game set, and the Big Wheel. This was the best present ever!
So what was your best present?
Early on, mine was a guitar and a tape recorder which I intended to use to become a singing sensation with my version of Elvira by the Oakridge Boys. I’m sure there is a Polaroid out there somewhere to haunt me.
Just a few years later, it had to be Puppy Puddles. He was a dog that could drink water and actually pee. How exciting!
If only I could teach my dogs to sit patiently in that lil tray instead of going on the floor from time to time.
Years later, it had to be Castle Grayskull and my Heman action figures.
Just a few years later, the action figure craze continued with G.I. Joe and his command center which was built next to the castle many times on the living room floor.
Although the He-man figures were several inches taller than the Joes, it was fun to pretend they were giants invading the Command Center. The Star Wars Ewok action figures often helped though.
I never had a Big Wheel.
So what about you? What was the best present ever?
Weekend Wrap Up…Making a List…
I’m a list maker. Groceries, bills to pay, books to read, work to do…
So, I’ve decided to make it a weekly post here writing down all the things I need to accomplish or want to try to accomplish each weekend. Here’s this weekend’s list…
- Buy groceries.
- Trip to the farmer’s market.
- Wrap gifts. (I got two wrapped before running out of tape.)
- Work on painting for Tess.
- Edit 25 pages.
- Read 25 pages.
- Laundry.
That’s it for this weekend! I’ll cross through them as they are done.
